Helping Children Cope with Divorce by Rosemary Wells 

Divorce is never easy for a child. Many children are hit hard by a sense of guilt and loss when their parents divorce, and their self-confidence and their relationships at school suffer. People who want to help often hesitate because they don't want to appear to be `taking sides', but help and support are a child's lifeline.

Helping Children Cope with Divorce offers advice about practical and emotional problems - what the legal terms mean, coping with residence orders, giving a child room to talk and have a say in major decisions, the possibility of step-parents, and who to turn to for more help with any problem. This new edition also sets out how mediation services can help, and explains the role of the new Children Act Family Courts Advisory and Support Service.

An invaluable book for parents themselves , for grandparents, or anyone else who wants to help a child through a divorce.

Contents 

Acknowledgements
Preface

• Living in an unhappy home
• Telling the children
• After the break
• How the law can help your children
• Living in two homes
• School: a hurdle or a haven?
• Stepchildren: Yours, mine and ours
• Grandparents
• How can we all help?
• Sources of help

Since this book was first published in 1989, the divorce rate in Britain has fluctuated considerably. It reached its peak in 1993, when 95,000 divorce cases were filed in England and Wales. This meant that around 176,000 children under 16 were affected by divorce. Since then, the rate has been falling, until now it is the lowest since 1984, and the number of children involved has dropped to 142,000. But it is still anticipated that three out of five marriages will ultimately end in divorce.

Because of such statistics, divorce is accepted today as a normal part of life. So the traumas, problems and emotional pain these children suffer are largely ignored, except by professionals in the law, in social work and psychiatry.

Legislation is constantly seeking to make divorce less complicated, but emotional divorce is no easier. There is often one parent who does not want the divorce. And almost without exception, children never want their parents to separate. That leaves a great many young people needing help. They have to come to terms with a situation over which they have no control.

Solicitors, probation and welfare officers, mediators and conciliators, therapists and counsellors, are growing more aware of the roles they must play — giving real help through listening and guiding, and by showing parents that it is up to them to make the decisions concerning their children. In the past, many such professionals either made all the decisions themselves or told the parents which ones to make. Parents often need help in communicating with each other in their roles as parents, no longer as husband and wife.

Family therapy enables children to have their say — ensuring that parents listen to their youngsters but do not burden them with impossible choices and decisions which would divide their loyalties even more severely.

There are few professions, agencies, groups or individuals who are not in positions where they could help children. Schools, the one place children all attend, are in an ideal position to assess if and when support is needed; 'Good parenting' might well be added to their extra curricular subjects. Churches, many of which stress the importance of premarital counselling, often include advice on parenting. Many understanding church leaders are now offering help to divorcing couples who wish to remain in their faith without the burden of 'guilt'. I hope they are offering similar support to the children.

Prenatal classes are now attended by both mothers and fathers. It would seem appropriate for the organizers to offer counselling in parenting — as well as the deep breathing and nappy changing! Warning young parents of the huge responsibility they are giving themselves might alert them to the seriousness of separating once they are mothers and fathers. If one or other is left to cope alone, through death or divorce, such training would be invaluable.

I have drawn on the expertise and experience of many professionals in legal, medical, psychiatric, educational and social welfare fields. I have spoken with parents and children in numerous situations before, during and after a divorce in the family. They have all shared their views, and they all, including the children, want to help young people who are facing similar problems — practical and emotional — through no fault of their own. For that reason, they were most generous in telling me their stories.

If any of their experiences can bring a fresh insight, or help any reader to 'know how it feels', then hopefully when they find themselves amongst a sadly divided family, they will feel better able to offer help to the confused children. R. W

About the author
Rosemary Wells grew up in Scotland and England, and settled in Africa when she married. Returning to England, she was widowed and left with young children. She is a former teacher, and still enjoys teaching writers' workshops, but she is now a freelance writer. Her first book, Helping children cope with grief, has become essential reading for all those helping a child through a bereavement. She is also the author of Making friends with your stepchildren.