The Assertiveness Handbook by Mary Hartley

Do you say yes when you'd rather say no? Are you tongue-tied when you want to air a difficult issue or press for your rights?

The good news is that assertiveness skills that allow effective communication can be learned. In this book, Mary Hartley suggests several stratagems for dealing with people more confidently. She provides a series of practical exercises designed to help you develop a positive style of behaviour based on self-respect and respecting others. The Assertiveness Handbook includes case studies, self-assessment material and useful tips. The topics covered include:

• different styles of behaviour
• what assertive behaviour is
• myths about assertiveness
• how to behave assertively
• dealing with non-assertive behaviour
• developing your assertiveness skills

Contents

• What is Assertive Behaviour?
• Styles of Behaviour
• How to Behave Assertively — Steps to Assertive Behaviour
• Assertive Behaviour in Challenging Situations
• Dealing with Non-assertive Behaviour — How to Handle Difficult People

What is Assertive Behaviour?

You've been cornered and asked to take on something that you really don't want to do. It could be something like helping at a charity fund-raising event. You open your mouth to say no, and a few minutes later find that not only have you agreed to run a stand, but you've offered to organize a raffle and a tombola as well. Or you want to raise a difficult issue with someone at home or at work, but you back away from bringing it up because you don't want a row, or you are scared of how the other person may react, or you don't trust yourself to speak without getting angry, tongue-tied or bursting into tears. Or perhaps you have experienced occasions when you have dealt with a difficult situation by dropping hints about what you are thinking or feeling, then felt annoyed and frustrated because your hints were ignored. Does all this sound familiar?

They are all examples of non-assertive behaviour. Instead of expressing your thoughts and needs in a direct and appropriate way, you say things you don't mean, or you don't say the things that are on your mind, perhaps because you are scared of the consequences, perhaps because you can't find the right words. However, you can change the way that you think and behave. Assertiveness is a set of skills that can be learnt. You can learn to behave assertively, and to develop skills that will enable you to communicate confidently and appropriately in all situations and so enhance your effectiveness in your personal and professional life.

Sometimes aggressive and over-pushy behaviour is described as assertive. This is a misconception. Behaving in a punchy way to get what you want is at the other end of the scale from giving the impression that you are willing to let the world walk all over you. Assertion focuses on communicating and managing situations in a confident way that shows respect for yourself and for other people. It means expressing yourself clearly and showing that you want to work with others to find the best solution. Behaving assertively doesn't mean that you will always get your own way, but it will generally lead to better results, more understanding and mutual respect.

Think about those people who you trust and respect. It is likely that they are open and straightforward in their dealings, that they are calm and reasonable in discussion and that they can express positive and negative feelings clearly and honestly. In short, they behave assertively.

Learning to behave assertively will bring you great benefits. You will have greater self-respect and will in turn be respected by others You will feel confident in your ability to handle conflict, to say no, to ask for what you want, to give and receive praise without feeling awkward and embarrassed, and to say difficult things without hurting yourself or the other person. Just think — no more silent fuming because you think you can't say how you're feeling about something, no more kicking yourself for not having said no to a request, no more being about to hand in your notice because you feel you can't broach a difficult topic with your manager. Becoming assertive takes effort and practice, but it is well worth the trouble.

Assertiveness is a type of behaviour based on self-respect and respect for others. It means handling situations and people with confidence and self-assurance, while respecting others' feelings and acknowledging their rights. Assertive behaviour demonstrates that as people we are all equal, and that we can express our needs, opinions and feelings openly and honestly.

An important idea to grasp is that assertiveness is not about winning, but about communicating and finding solutions that encompass the needs and rights of everyone concerned. It means that you are in control of yourself and situations, but not that you wish to control other people. Behaving assertively means not slighting or hurting others, and not allowing them to slight or to hurt you.

The core of assertive behaviour is a philosophy which honours the worth of human beings and their right to be treated with respect.

About the author

Mary Hartley is a writer and personal development coach specializing in people skills and communication. She has considerable experience of writing on these topics and of presenting workshops and courses on aspects of interpersonal communication and behaviour. As well as contributing to national newspapers and women's and general-interest magazines, Mary has broadcast on national and local radio programmes on issues such as managing anger and coping with stress, and has acted as consultant for the BBC Learning Zone. Her books The Good Stress Guide, Managing Anger at Work, Body Language at Work and Stress at Work are all published by Sheldon Press.