Second Time Around by Anne Lovell

"Sadly, more and more relationships are now ending in divorce, and consequently many people find themselves picking up the pieces after the ending of a long-term relationship and hoping to make things work out next time around. It can be very difficult to overcome the fear of trust and commitment, and feel confident that you won't make the same mistakes again.

In this book, agony aunt Anne Lovell explores the problems that can cause anxiety in your next relationship, and why they can be especially difficult to talk about with your new partner. She explains why it is so important to understand and overcome these difficulties in order to build a strong, lasting and rewarding relationship for the future."

Second Time Around

Contents

Acknowledgements
Introduction

Before

• Confronting the past
• Comparisons are odious
• All about patterns
• Bad habits and emotional luggage

After...

• Learning to trust
• Understanding each other
• Firm foundations
• Expectations
• Resolutions
• Growing

Further help
Further reading

Second Time Around: Introduction

This book is for anyone starting out on a second or subsequent relationship, after the end of an earlier one, or of several. It's for people whose first relationship has ended sadly and without choice, through a bereavement, or sadly through a break-up or a divorce, or for those whose first relationship simply fizzled out when two people went their separate ways.

The book is also for anyone contemplating a commitment for a second time, who wants to try to learn from a first marriage or relationship so that the same mistakes are not made again.

A great many of the thousands of letters I read every year are from people writing about difficulties in their second marriage. I have written this book from the knowledge gained from these letters and also from my own experience, both personal and from the lives of friends.

The statistics for the failure rate of second marriages are certainly not encouraging. If four out of ten first marriages fail, half of all second marriages end in divorce. Most couples don't want that to happen to them and feel an extra sense of despair when it does.

Relationship counsellors see couples whose second marriage or partnership is in trouble, and try to help them understand what they're doing to each other and to themselves and how it relates to their first experiences.

The book is divided into two parts: Before and After. In the first part, I hope to give advance warning — to help you think through what happened in your first marriage and understand what went wrong. In the second, the intention is to flag up the danger points for the new relationship — or help with problems that may have come up already.

If you're reading this before beginning on a second or subsequent partnership, this will serve as as preparation. But it doesn't matter if you've already set up with a new partner! Read the first part as an explanation of what may have gone before in your previous relationship and in your new partner's.

Throughout the book, passages in italics are quotes from experienced Relate counsellors, particularly Denise Knowles, who talked with me about their experience from the counselling room with couples who were in second marriages. Passages in bold type are taken from readers' letters to the 'Dear Anne' column in Bella magazine, all of which have been replied to personally and have been disguised to protect confidentiality.

I hope that the whole will help you maximize your chances of staying together and in love — the second time around.

About the author

Anne Lovellis one of Britain's most experienced problem page writers and broadcasters. A trained counsellor and voluntary worker, she has been the resident 'agony aunt' on Bella magazine since 1987. Divorced, with two grown-up daughters, she is now in a new relationship with her partner, Bob Campbell-Barr.