Coping with a Mid-Life Crisis
By Dr Derek Milne - a Sheldon Press book

If you are feeling uncertain, confused or depressed, then this book is for you. Derek Milne's approach is informed, sympathetic and hopeful. He identifies the mid-life crisis' as a time of necessary transition to a different sense and understanding of who you are. In this book he offers practical advice, illuminating examples and intelligent ways forward. There is a strong emphasis on grappling with the demands of life and adapting, making sense of what is happening and taking steps to achieve control and growth through change.

Dr Derek Milne is a fellow of the British Psychological Society and a clinical psychologist at Newcastle University where he is Director of the Doctorate in Clinical Psychology. He has more than twenty years' professional experience of dealing with the issues raised in Coping with a Mid-life Crisis and a personal understanding of some of the common symptoms accompanying these crucial life-changing events.

Contents

• Acknowledgements
• Introduction
• Context for your crisis
• Crisis
• Constructing: making sense of your experience
• Changing behaviour: thinking your way through the crisis
• Changing behaviour: practical ways to manage your crisis
• Coping with your feelings
• Conclusion
• Further reading
• Index

Development is fluid and it is never too late for changes to take place.
(Rutter, 1978)

We humans have enormous potential, but achieving it is a mighty struggle. Ever since Darwin's theory of evolution there has been a clear recognition of the 'struggle for existence'. Although the raw struggle for existence' of pre-history may be over, the struggle for happiness that we all face today lies in coping successfully with the demands that our current world places upon us — from the minor hassles of daily existence to the major life events. Our 'existence' is defined by the way that we make use of our resources — especially our coping ability — to adapt to (or change) our circumstances, in order to develop. Therefore, adapting to our life circumstances can he seen as a fundamental human task, determining whether we end up feeling overwhelmed by a mid-life crisis or able to rise above it, with renewed confidence and greater personal happiness. Our development is built on such transitions.

A particularly special period of life
The struggle to cope with the mid-life crisis is unique and especially taxing — researchers report that there is something particularly challenging about this transitional period. Statistically, the greatest rise in the number of suicides, major illnesses, accidents, psychiatric hospital admissions, depressions and abuses of alcohol take place between the ages of 40 and 50. Such figures highlight the struggle many seem to have in adapting to the circumstances of their mid life. Some believe that this is partly because of the peculiar pressure that comes from being at our most powerful publicly (e.g. in terms of expertise, prestige, status, income), while privately beginning to feel a distinct weakening, as our physical selves begin their unmistakable decline. Although many report that these middle years are their 'golden period', others clearly struggle with the experience of being 'powerful' and 'powerless' at the same time. Whatever the cause, this contrast is usually strong and marks a significant passage of time, one that typically also sees changes at home (e.g. the 'empty nest'), at work (e.g. a career may plateau or abruptly end), and in terms of our social world (e.g. becoming a carer for an ailing parent). Psychologically there is, then, a heightened awareness of the passage of time, of what might have been, and of the increasingly limited scope to make things happen in the future. And behind this powerlessness is a much sharper view of the inevitability of our death, and the increasingly urgent search for a meaning to our existence.

The structure of this book
In the next chapter, I will place this special crisis in its personal and social context: in other words, we cannot hope to understand ourselves and what is happening to us without filling in the background and the various factors — such as our personality and personal history — that inevitably surround and provide the basis for a crisis. To make this context or backdrop as clear as possible, I will draw an explicit parallel between our lives and the theatre. That is, I will make a link between how we have a 'persona' (i.e. the part we play) on the 'stage' of life that consists of a 'set', other 'players', and the 'acting out' of a 'story'. Next, I go on to ask some key questions about the mid-life crisis itself — such as what exactly it is, whether it is special in some way and, if so, what makes it special? I will show how it is unlike the other transitions that we go through in life, as well as noting the ingredients that seem to go into making a crisis arise.

Following these introductory chapters, the heart of the book concentrates on our efforts to find a way through the crisis, and I will use the idea of 'coping' to cover our struggle for something more than mere adaptation and existence. Therefore, 'coping' as used in this book is not the same as the popular use of the term — just getting by, or keeping the wolf from the door (as in, 'How are things?' 'I'm just about coping'). Rather, I want to use the idea of 'coping' to capture the way that we each grapple with the demands of life, struggling and changing in order to achieve solutions and our own happiness. It is close to Darwin's idea of adaptation of a species to it's environment, but with a couple of key differences. First, I will be concerned with the kind of adaptations that we can make in our own lifetime. Second, humans are especially good at changing the environment to ease the need for adaptation: unlike the dodo bird, we can change our physical world to avoid 'extinction', especially our social world (e.g. by emigrating or by moving back to live near our extended family). Adaptation for humans also depends critically an how we make sense of events, and of how we then respond given that understanding. The act of making sense of our situation places us in the driving seat, with the power to take control of things. Therefore, we need to understand our mid-life crisis before we can decide how best to respond to such stressors as divorce, caring for older family members, or unemployment at age 50-plus.

A positive perspective
There are three basic ways of making sense of our situation and addressing these kinds of stressors: survival, recovery or thriving. In this book I will emphasize ways in which you can emerge from a mid-life crisis and thrive, even if there are times when all you feel you can do is survive to the next day. I also accept the need for a time to recover from difficult experiences. The goal, though, is thriving, and I believe that we do this best when we view our current crisis as a time of growth and personal change. Another reason to be optimistic is that we know that there are ways of coping successfully with crises. From these ways of coping come transition and development — so there is good reason to believe that a mid-life crisis can lead to greater personal happiness.

My own version of this transition is partly drawn from my experience as a human being who has experienced at least some aspects of the mid-life crisis; but it also comes from 20 years as a therapist, trying to help other adults to cope more successfully. My advice draws too on the extensive scientific and popular literature in this field. Lastly, I will be passing on important examples from the experiences of three people who have struggled through their own life crises, three 'personal stories' that run through this book.

The coping strategies that tend to work best will be set out in detail, and are at times contrasted with those strategies that are liable to fail. The emphasis is on spelling out and celebrating our ability to manage the everyday 'struggle for existence' and to grow from it. Indeed, it will be argued that the struggle brings benefits that might otherwise be absent from our lives. As demonstrated in the quote at the beginning of this Introduction, the crisis can be a stimulus to our further development — and this can go on indefinitely.

The benefits to be gained from this approach
Good coping strategies also tend to lead to a sense of being in control, so that a kind of 'mastery' of the crisis can develop, and this phase of the coping cycle represents the final part of the book. However, there is an ongoing need to develop both our understanding and our coping strategies. In other words, coping needs to be viewed as part of an endless cycle or a long journey, a bit like the demands of sailing the seven seas. During this voyage there may well be times of comfort and great progress, but after periods of calm there are often some stormy seas. At such times it is important to draw on what we — and others — have learnt from earlier life crises or transitions; in this way, we can develop more confidence and control, reaping greater benefits and satisfaction from the 'second half of our life. This analogy led to the 'seven Cs' that form the chapters.

If you have experienced a mid-life crisis — or if you are now experiencing one — this book will therefore offer you some clarity as to what is going on, tips on coping, and comfort. It will do this by identifying the particular stressors of the mid-life crisis, and also by showing how the unpleasant — and at times puzzling — aspects of the mid-life crisis can be better understood. Comfort can also come from realizing that these distressing experiences have been shared by others, many of whom have found ways of resolving their mid-life crisis successfully. Therefore, to help you to sense that you are not alone in your struggle, and to offer some clear examples of coping successfully, the experiences of the three people mentioned earlier run through the book. They are Mike, a successful and previously self-assured professional, who was astounded by his mid-life crisis; Teena, also previously confident and seemingly safe from such a personal crisis in her happy marriage; and John, more of a sensitive type - and so perhaps more akin to the popular idea of the kind of person who would be 'at risk' of a mid-life crisis. Each of these personal stories highlights different life events and coping challenges — including the perspective that travel can bring to one's life; the shocking realization that things cannot go on as they are any longer: and the difficulty of making changes when everyone around on is trying to convince you that all is well. (Note: These stories are true ones, and told here with the permission of these individuals; the details have only been altered in unimportant ways, to protect the anonymity of those concerned.)

In addition to the comfort that I believe will come from realizing that you are not alone, your confidence in dealing with these kinds of stressful experiences should also grow. This will result from studying the successful ways of coping that others, such as Mike, Teena and John, have used. These coping strategies will be presented in an optimistic and practical way. Additional features of the book that are designed to make the material even more useful are 'Points to Ponder' and 'Things to Try' (in order to change and improve your coping). The 'Points to Ponder' are a few central questions to encourage your personal reflection on the material covered in individual chapters, and to help you to consider possible ways forward. Some ideas for personal change, in the form of things you might like to try, accompany the middle chapters on coping strategies. At the back of the book, you will find suggestions for further reading; these offer a way of exploring each topic in more depth, if you so wish. Finally, the chapters are organized around a few major questions, with the material presented as a series of replies to these questions. This is to maximize the relevance of the text and to ease the accessing of the information that you find most important.

In summary, this book offers you a clear, factual, well-founded and uplifting account of the mid-life crisis, one that is interwoven with personal accounts from those who have been through it all and emerged from their voyage stronger and happier human beings. Drawing on current research and my experiences as a therapist and a teacher, I then outline several constructive ways of understanding and dealing with the crisis. As you will have realized by now, the emphasis throughout the book will be on practical and positive ways forward. The mid-life crisis may be demanding and difficult, but it is also an opportunity to redesign your life. This period in your middle years is thus a way of preparing you for the next episode in your personal 'struggle for existence' and also a springboard - helping you towards achieving your potential and greater personal happiness.

About the author
Dr Derek Milne (PhD) is a clinical psychologist working full-time for the UK's National Health Service (NHS). He is based at Newcastle University, where he is Director of the Doctorate in Clinical Psychology, a training programme preparing psychologists for work in the NHS. A Fellow of the British Psychological Society, Dr Milne has written several self-help books as well as many professional books and scientific papers. A major theme in his work is how people handle the stress of everyday life, so Coping with a Mid-life Crisis continues this interest.