Overcoming Jealousy by Dr Windy Dryden

Jealousy can be a very destructive, and an atmosphere of suspicion can ruin relationships, and undermine confidence. Windy Dryden's refreshingly practical approach will help you understand your feelings, and distinguish between healthy and unhealthy reactions to the behaviour of those you love. His advice will show you how to cope, boost your confidence and stop feeling insecure. This book will enable you to think through whether your fears are reasonable, and build relationships of confidence and trust.

Contents 

Introduction 

• The ABCs of unhealthy jealousy
• The ABCs of healthy jealousy
• How to deal with specific episodes of unhealthy jealousy
• Twenty ways to become less prone to unhealthy jealousy

In two of my previous books for Sheldon Press I made an important distinction between unhealthy and healthy negative emotions. Yes, your eyes haven't deceived you, I did use the phrase 'healthy negative emotions'. For some negative emotions are healthy. If you are facing, or think you are facing, a negative event, it is not healthy for you to feel good about the occurrence of this event, nor is it healthy for you to feel indifferent about it. Rather, it is healthy for you to feel bad about it. Feeling bad about a negative event helps you to think clearly about the event, to change it if it can be changed and to make a constructive adjustment to it if it can't be changed. By contrast, if you are unhealthily disturbed about the negative event this interferes with your ability to think clearly about it, you are less likely to change it in constructive ways if it can be changed, and if it can't be changed your adjustment is likely to be a poor one.

This means that in this book I will be talking about two different types of jealousy. The problem is that we do not have appropriate terms in the English language for healthy jealousy and unhealthy jealousy, so I will use these terms throughout this book even though they are not ideal.

Incidentally, there is a third type of jealousy - known as morbid jealousy - which falls outside the scope of this book. This is a psychiatric condition which requires psychiatric help. The main features of this type of jealousy are its delusional and obsessive nature. It takes over your life and you can't get any peace. You are convinced that your partner is constantly interested in other members of the opposite sex and you are sure that you have clear cut evidence to back up your claims. You cannot get these thoughts out of your mind and it literally dominates your waking moments and invades your dreams. If you think that you suffer from morbid jealousy, please consult your doctor as soon as possible.

The ABC framework
The approach to counselling that I practise is known as Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT). It was founded in 1955 by Albert Ellis, an American clinical psychologist, whose voluminous writings have helped REBT to become a well-known and popular therapy over forty years later. REBT has a simple ABC framework which I will now discuss. You will be able to use this framework to understand your experiences of unhealthy jealousy and later to change these disturbed feelings.

A
In the ABC framework. A stands for activating event. This is an event which represents the beginning of an emotional episode, in this case jealousy. Now, As can either represent actual events or inferences. This is a very important distinction which you need to grasp if you are to understand jealousy and, in particular, the difference between healthy and unhealthy jealousy.

Let me begin my discussion by defining an inference. An inference is a hunch about reality that goes beyond the information available to you. As such, an inference may be accurate or inaccurate. You don't know which is the case until you get more information. Often, you cannot get the information you need to tell for certain whether or not an inference is correct, and in such cases you need to go for what is probably the case rather than what is definitely the case.

Let me give you a few examples of the differences between actual events and inferences. In doing so, I will discuss an instance where a person accepts an inference as a fact when this is probably warranted and a case where a person accepts an inference as a fact when this is probably not warranted.

Terry and Gina, a young married couple, are at a party and Terry goes off to get Gina a drink. When he returns, Gina is talking to another man and is sharing a joke with him. Terry notes that this is happening and thinks to himself (or infers) that Gina is sharing a joke with the man, and thinks nothing more of it.

Simon and Theresa, who are also a young married couple, are at the same party and exactly the same thing happens. Simon goes off to get Theresa a drink, and when he returns Theresa is talking to another man and is sharing a joke with him. Simon notes that this is happening and thinks to himself that Theresa wants to get off with the other man. Simon's thought that Theresa wants to get off with the other man is an inference that goes beyond the information available to Simon. Is Simon's inference probably accurate or probably inaccurate? Based just on the information that is immediately available to Simon, this inference is probably inaccurate because all Simon knows is that Theresa is laughing with the man. But let us suppose that Theresa has a long history of going off with men at parties and that this often starts with her laughing at a man's jokes. In this case, Simon's inference is probably accurate because it is based on a fact about Theresa's behaviour at parties. If, however, Theresa has no such history, then Simon's inference that she wants to go off with this particular man is probably inaccurate.

As I will show you later, when you are unhealthily jealous you tend to make inferences that your partner is interested in another person in the absence of corroborating evidence. What is more, you treat such inferences as incontrovertible facts and often twist information to fit in with these 'facts'. The reasons why you do this will soon become apparent.

B
In the ABC framework, B stands for beliefs. The theory of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy distinguishes between two different types of beliefs: rational and irrational beliefs. Rational beliefs have five major characteristics. They are:

1. flexible and non-extreme;
2. conducive to mental health;
3. helpful to the person as he strives towards his goals;
4. realistic or true;
5. logical or sensible.

REBT theory argues that there are four major rational beliefs. These are known as:

1. Full preferences (e.g. 'I want my partner to be only interested in me, but it is not essential that she is').
2. Anti-awfulizing (e.g. 'It would be very bad if my partner was interested in someone else, but it wouldn't be the end of the world').
3. Low frustration tolerance (e.g. 'It would be difficult for me to tolerate it if my partner was interested in someone else, but I could bear it').
4. Acceptance. There are two types of acceptance beliefs: self- acceptance (e.g. 'If my partner was interested in someone else it would not prove that I was less worthy. My worth is constant and does not go up and down according to whether or not my partner is interested in someone else') and other-acceptance (e.g. 'If my partner is interested in someone else he would not be a rotten person. Rather, he would be a fallible human being who would be doing what in my view is the wrong thing').

Irrational beliefs also have five major characteristics. They are:

1. rigid and extreme;
2. conducive to psychological disturbance;
3. unhelpful to the person as he strives towards his goals;
4. unrealistic or false;
5. illogical or nonsensical.

REBT theory argues that there are four major irrational beliefs. These are known as:

1. Musts or demands (e.g. 'My partner must only be interested in me').
2. Anti-awfulizing (e.g. 'It would be terrible if my partner was interested in someone else').
3. Low frustration tolerance (e.g. 'I couldn't bear it if my partner was interested in someone else').
4. Depreciation. There are two types of depreciation beliefs: self- depreciation (e.g. 'If my partner was interested in someone else it would prove that I was less worthy') and other-depreciation (e.g. 'If my partner was interested in someone else it would prove that he was a rotten person').

C
In the ABC framework, C stands for consequences of the beliefs at B that you hold about the activating events you focus on at A. There are three types of consequences: emotional consequences, behavioural consequences and thinking consequences.

Emotional consequences
When you hold a set of rational beliefs about a negative activating agent then you will experience a healthy negative emotion. Thus, if you think that your partner is interested in somebody else, and you prefer, but do not demand, that this doesn't happen, then you will experience healthy jealousy, whereas when you hold a set of irrational beliefs about a negative activating event then you will experience an unhealthy negative emotion. Thus, if you think that your partner is interested in someone else and you demand that this must not happen, then you will experience unhealthy jealousy.

Behavioural consequences
When you hold a set of rational beliefs about a negative activating event then you will either act in a functional way or you will feel like acting in such a manner (this urge to act is known as an action tendency). Thus, if you think that your partner is interested in somebody else and you prefer, but do not demand, that this doesn't happen, then you will tell your partner about your concerns and discuss the issue with him in an assertive manner.

However, if you hold a set of irrational beliefs about a negative activating event then you will either act in a dysfunctional way or you will feel like acting in such a manner. Thus, if you think that your partner is interested in someone else and you demand that this doesn't happen, then you will accuse him of this and attempt to restrict his movements, for example.

Thinking consequences
When you hold a set of rational beliefs about a negative activating event then your thinking will be constructive and realistic. Thus, if you think that your partner is interested in somebody else and you prefer, but do not demand, that this doesn't happen, then you will look for evidence that both supports and contradicts your hypothesis. You will be able to stand back and evaluate all of this evidence in an objective manner and arrive at a conclusion which best fits the available data. If you conclude that your partner is interested in the other person, then you will consider this in a broad context. Thus, if your relationship with your partner is basically good and he does not regularly show interest in other women, then you will judge that the threat to your relationship is small. However, if your relationship with your partner is not good and he regularly shows interest in other women, then you may realistically conclude that the threat to your relationship is greater and that your partner may leave you, particularly if he shows great interest in the other woman.

On the other hand, when you hold a set of irrational beliefs about a negative activating event then your thinking will be unconstructive and unrealistic. If you think that your partner is interested in somebody else and you demand that this must not happen, then you will look for evidence that supports your view and edit out or explain away evidence that contradicts your view. Thus, you will not tend to stand back and evaluate all of the evidence that is available, to you; if you do, you will not do so in an objective manner, and so you will not arrive at a conclusion which best fits the available data. Following your strongly held conviction that your partner is definitely interested in the other person, you will not consider this in a broad context. Thus, you will tend to think that your partner will leave you for the other woman whether or not you have a good relationship with him and whether or not he regularly shows interest in other women.

Beliefs affect inferences
So far, I have presented the ABC framework as if the three elements are separate. However, in reality they are not. In fact, the ABC elements often interact in highly complex ways. While full coverage of the complex interactions among As, Bs and Cs lies outside the scope of this book, I will discuss one such interaction as it is very important to a full understanding of jealousy, and in particular unhealthy jealousy.

It is important for you to understand that when you hold one or more irrational beliefs, especially when you have held these for a long time, you bring these irrational beliefs to events that relate to your relationship with your partner. This means that your irrational beliefs make you particularly prone to make jealousy-related inferences. Let me give you an example of this.

Jeremy believed that whoever he went out with had to be only interested in him. If his girlfriend of the moment showed any interest in another man, even when this was clearly only a mark of politeness, then this led Jeremy to think that he was inferior to that person. Jeremy was handsome and women found him very charming; he had little trouble finding girlfriends. However, he had enormous trouble sustaining these relationships. Why? Because Jeremy brought his irrational belief to situations where his girlfriend of the moment came into contact with other men of her age. When this happened, Jeremy's irrational belief led him to infer that his girlfriend was interested romantically and sexually in the other man and that if she spent more than a few minutes talking to him then the two of them would soon make plans to meet and an affair between them would ensue. No matter how many times Jeremy was reassured by his various girlfriends that they were only being sociable and had not the slightest interest in the men they were talking to, Jeremy still made the same inference. Indeed, as long as Jeremy believed that his girlfriend of the moment must only be interested in him, this belief would invariably lead him to infer that the interest she showed in other men couldn't just be polite sociability, but had to be of a romantic and sexual nature. In addition, since Jeremy believed himself to be inferior to other men, he tended to see these other men as superior to him and consequently more attractive and more interesting to his girlfriends.

As I will discuss presently, it wasn't these inferences and the beliefs that spawned them which were alone responsible for the breakdown of virtually all of Jeremy's relationships. Rather, it was the way Jeremy acted towards his girlfriends that led them to leave him. Eventually, all of them concluded that they were unprepared to put up with Jeremy's endless interrogations and unreasonable restrictions on whom they could and could not speak to. However, Jeremy would not have behaved in such relationship-defeating ways, nor inferred that his relationships were constantly under threat, if he had not held the irrational belief that his girlfriend must not show any interest in other men, and that if she did this would prove that he was inferior.

So far in this opening chapter I have introduced you to the basic ABC framework that is the hallmark of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy. This framework is particularly useful for analysing and understanding why you experience unhealthy jealousy in specific situations. If you are particularly prone to experiencing this unhealthy emotion, you can also use the ABC framework to understand why this is so.

However, you have probably not bought this book just to understand unhealthy jealousy. You are probably interested in how to overcome this unhealthy emotion when it becomes problematic for you. To help you to do this, you first have to understand REBT's full model of personal change. This comprehensive model begins with the ABC elements that I have already discussed. After all, you cannot really change something before you have understood it. And, as I have stressed, the ABC framework is designed to provide you with an overall picture of what is going on when you experience unhealthy jealousy. But to change this unhealthy emotion you will have to understand and implement four other steps. These steps are known as the DEFG part of the comprehensive REBT model of personal change. I will, of course, discuss in detail how you can overcome unhealthy jealousy later in the book (see Chapters 4 and 5). What I will do here is to give you a brief overall understanding of the DEFG part of the ABCDEFG model. I will begin by discussing G.

G
In the ABCDEFG framework, G stands for goals. If you are troubled by feelings of unhealthy jealousy and you wish to overcome these feelings, you need to have a clear idea of what you would be prepared to experience instead, given the actual existence of the activating event at A in the framework. After all, if your partner is interested in someone else and you are experiencing unhealthy jealousy, is it realistic for you to set as your goal that you want to be pleased about this? Don't forget that you would still prefer to have the exclusive interest of your partner. What is wrong with feeling healthily jealous, which means that you want to have an exclusive relationship with your partner even though you do not demand it? In my view there is nothing wrong with feeling healthily jealous — it may even discourage you in the long run from taking your partner for granted. It is not only important to set a goal when you recognize that you are experiencing an unhealthy negative emotion like unhealthy jealousy, it is also important to set a goal which will help you in the long run and which is appropriate to the negative activating event that you are actually confronted with or that you think that you are confronted with. Finally, setting healthy goals to which you are committed motivates you to do the work that you need to do in the DEF part of the personal change process.

D
In the ABCDEFG framework, D stands for disputing the irrational beliefs that account for your feelings of unhealthy jealousy. As I will discuss in greater detail later in this book, disputing your irrational beliefs involves asking yourself whether your irrational beliefs are true or false, logical or illogical and helpful or unhelpful. As I will show you later, irrational beliefs are in general false, illogical and unhelpful. Disputing also involves you asking yourself whether your alternative rational beliefs are true or false, logical or illogical and helpful or unhelpful. Again, as I will discuss in fuller detail in due course, rational beliefs are, in general, true, logical and helpful.

E
In the ABCDEFG framework, E stands for the effects of the disputing techniques you have employed in the previous step. If you have effectively disputed your irrational beliefs and have under stood that they are false, illogical and unhelpful and that your alternative rational beliefs are true, logical and helpful then you will begin to notice that: your feelings begin to change from unhealthy negative emotions to healthy negative emotions; you begin to act more functionally; and your subsequent thinking becomes more objective, realistic and balanced.

On the other hand, if your feelings, behaviour and subsequent thinking do not change then this tells you that you need to return to the previous disputing stage and question your irrational and rational beliefs again.

F
In the ABCDEFG framework, F stands for facilitating change. In order to bring about a meaningful change in your emotions, behaviour and subsequent thinking, then you need to take the following steps and implement them again and again:

1 Repeatedly question your irrational and rational beliefs and show yourself that the former are false, illogical and unhelpful and the latter are true, sensible and helpful. The more arguments you can develop during this stage the better, and the more forceful and energetically you can do this the better.

2 Resolve to act in ways that are consistent with your rational beliefs and that are inconsistent with your irrational beliefs. If you successfully dispute the irrational beliefs that underpin your unhealthy jealousy, but you continue to act in ways that are consistent with your jealous feelings, you will only succeed in nullifying any benefits that you gained from the disputing stage. Changing your behaviour may well involve acting against your well-rehearsed unhealthy jealous behaviour, but this is what you need to do if you are to facilitate a healthy personal change.

3 Question the inferences that you easily make when you feel unhealthily jealous. Again, if you allow yourself to treat these distorted inferences as facts then you will elaborate them, and doing so will again tend to nullify the benefits that you gained from the disputing stage.

If you are successful in the facilitating change stage then you will have been successful at reaching your goals at G in the change framework.

In conclusion, in this chapter I distinguished between healthy and unhealthy jealousy and outlined the ABCDEFG framework that details the steps you need to take to overcome your feelings of unhealthy jealousy. In the next chapter, I will focus on unhealthy jealousy and discuss in detail the factors that underpin this destructive emotion.

About the author
Windy Dryden was born in London in 1950. He has worked in psychotherapy and counselling for over 30 years, and is the author or editor of over 150 books, including Letting go of anxiety and depression (Sheldon Press, 2003) and Assertiveness Step by Step (written with Daniel Constantinou Sheldon Press, 2004). Dr Dryden is Professor of Psychotherapeutics at Goldsmiths College, University of London.